On Anxiety, Hair, and Harry Potter

Last week I went on a date and (for the second time this month and, I swear, the umpteenth time in my life) a guy I had literally just met told me how I should wear my hair (at the time down and curly-- as it naturally grows). He said he liked it how I had it in my current Facebook profile picture, seen here. 

Not a big deal? Sure, except that this happens to me literally all the time and (somehow) men seem to always feel the need to tell me what to do with my body.  

But, "Don't be a 'femi-nazi', Maddie." 

I told myself, taking a deep breath. "Don't overreact. He doesn't mean any offense. He was just sharing his opinion. He's allowed to have opinions. Just remember that you're allowed to not take his advice." 

So I said, "Thank you, I liked it that day too."

But he just had to push it.

"So why don't you wear it like that all the time?"

"Because my hair is naturally curly-- what you see in that picture takes a lot of work."

"So? It's really pretty in that picture. You should wear it like that next time we go out."

"I'll wear my hair how I want to, thanks."

Needless to say, that guy didn't get another date.

Okay. So that's over. Douche-bro is gone. Why the rant?

Because my entire life I have felt like a prisoner to my hair-- and I am officially done.

The only way to describe my hair when I was a kid is… fluffy. I'm not exaggerating-- I had the same exact hair as Hermione in the first Harry Potter Film until I was, like, 12.

I know how you feel, girl. 

I'm adopted, and my mom (bless her heart) came from a family of stick-straight-haired women. Google wasn't a thing yet; so she would style my hair the only way she knew how: like she styled hers (including brushing it, which, as all with curly hair know, is the first deadly sin of curly hair maintenance). 

Poor grammar, correct sentiment. This is a thing, folks. 

That hair is just as hard to manage as it looks. Hermione's face of frustration? It's because, on top of trying to save the wizarding world, home-girl has to deal with a hot mass/mess of fluff constantly getting in her way. Moreover, she has to deal with her classmates making fun of her for it-- including her future husband (what a gem). Similar to the Hermione in the books, my hair often held me back from feeling beautiful. This was the 2000s-- when stick-straight hair was all the rage. 

Film #2 and here she is, all smoothed out, because no
one wants to watch a movie where a main female
character doesn't have conventionally attractive hair. 

You'll recall that in the Harry Potter books, the "greatest witch of her age" herself only straightened her hair, using magic, *once* because the spell was that difficult. (You have no idea how much I related to that-- and how outraged I was that after the first movie the producers decided to tame Hermione's hair.) 

If it sounds like I'm overthinking all this-- it is because I am. 

I didn't know it back then, but I was also dealing with OCD and an anxiety disorder. I overthink everything. I always have. 

Because it was so hard to manage, we (my mom and I) would most often resort to a pony tail-- just to get it out of my face. I hated having my hair in my face. Again, I didn't know at the time, but that was another bi-product of my anxiety. My hair constantly falling into my face constitutes just another thing I have to worry/think about of the hundreds of unwanted thoughts running through my mind at any particular moment. People who know me from school (high school or college) may have noticed that I always wear my hair in a bun on test days. I can't handle having to constantly brush my bangs out of my face when I'm trying to write a timed essay. It's just too much. I get overwhelmed and close to a panic attack. It affects my grades. 

So, what's more important? 

My mental health/grades or looking the world's definition of 'cute'?

For a little bit, like many a teenager, I chose cute. 

During 7th grade I straightened my hair more often than at any other time in my life. All the popular girls had straight hair, all the movie stars had straight hair, I made a friend who said I should straighten my hair, so I made it a priority. It takes upwards of two hours to straighten my hair-- even with help; but in 7th grade I did it about twice a week. 
I'd spend all day nervously pushing it out of my face and wishing I could just shave it all off-- but at least I was 'cute'. 

But then I realized that that was a bunch of bull. 

When I went into high school I went back to wearing mostly pony tails and buns. My hair was 'out of sight, out of mind' again-- and I was happier with myself. Eventually, a curly-haired friend taught me the secrets of curly-hair maintenance and I started wearing my hair down and curly. It wasn't in style; but I didn't care. People kept telling me it was cuter than wearing a pony-tail, so I embraced it as a happy-medium between a pony-tail and straightening.

2009
Very braces. Much awkward.  

Since then, curly hair has (shock of all shocks) come into style. So, I often wear it down and curly. I also will sometimes straighten it-- but usually only for special occasions, since it takes so long to do. And, I still (often) wear my hair in a bun-- especially when I am overwhelmed. I'm overcoming my hair issues slowly but surely, but it's experiences like the one last week that really make it all come back in full force. 

I love my hair the way I had it for graduation. If I could wear it like that all the time, I would. But I really can't. People don't realize how much time and energy it takes to makes my hair look like it does in the first photo at the top of this post. 

My hair for graduation took three hours in a salon and cost me over $80. 

But, because other girls wear their hair like that all the time, people (*cough* men *cough*) assume that I can/should. Trust me. I have desperately tried to learn how to do my hair like I had it for graduation by myself. I have sat in front of the mirror after four hours of trying and cried (hair more of a mess than before) because I'd just wasted four hours I could have used to study for finals. Hair-styling is a skill I simply do not have (mad respect to all who do have that skill). 

Another thing: Even if I could do my hair like that at home, I don't have three hours a day to spend on my hair-- and if the world gifted me three extra hours, I'd probably just spend those three hours on something I care more about.

The thing is, I like the way I look with a bun.

I think I have a pretty face, and with a bun people are forced to focus on that-- not my hair. I think this comes from the fact that my hair is naturally *huge* and people tend to notice it before they notice… me. 

Bonus cute bird. You're welcome. 

That's why I liked my hair in a pixie cut (see photo). When I got my pixie cut I felt for the first time like I wasn't being eaten by my hair. I could stop worrying about it and just live my life. Of course, the pixie cut had it's own repercussions. Middle-aged men at church made jokes about be being a lesbian, guys on first dates told me "I don't like short hair on girls." (Thanks for mentioning that at this particular moment, homie. That totally makes a great first impression.), a boyfriend broke up with me shortly after a haircut because (while we had started dating when I had a pixie) he had told me he wanted me to grow it out and I didn't listen. 

I also like my hair curly. And straight. And straight with an artificial curl-- like at graduation. I like my hair short, I like it long. I like it red, I like it blonde. 

Honestly, I think I'm gorgeous no matter what kind of hair I have. I'm not ashamed to say that-- because I'm proud to feel this way about myself after years of thinking I was inferior to the straight-haired, slender beauties of my youth. 

This is me two days ago at the Thyssen museum in Madrid, Spain. That morning I was late to work, so I threw my hair into a bun. I didn't do it worrying about whether people would think I was pretty. I just did it because I was in a hurry. And because I've learned something:

'Pretty' is not the rent you pay 

for existing in this world as a woman. 

What it all comes down to is that I don't want to have to worry about my hair-- it falling into my face, it being too hot, it getting everywhere. I also don't want to worry about whether it pleases everybody all the time. I just want to wear my hair however I want. So, that's what I am going to do. 

If you've got a problem with that, you ain't gettin' a second date.